SenATORs Michael Bennet AND Maggie Hassan — This one’s for you!

In response to Senator Michael Bennet and Maggie Hassan’s reported resistance to the bipartisan American Innovation and Choice Online Act, Monopoly Men descended on district offices in Denver and Manchester on Thursday to thank the Senators for being a friend to Big Tech.

A special thank you to the staffers who handled these awkward interactions on video! 😅

In addition to personalized signing telegrams, each Senator received an oversized bouquet of red roses and Thank You card. Both stunts were accompanied by 4-figure ad buys in their hometown newspapers calling the Senators out as Big Tech MVPs (Most Valuable Politician).

Thank You for Being a Friend (To Big Tech)

It’s not easy being Monopoly Man these days. Did you know there are bipartisan bills in Congress taking on Facebook, Amazon, and other Big Tech superpowers?

Luckily, our most valuable politicians are bravely standing in their way. Senators Chuck Schumer, Michael Bennet, and Maggie Hassan – this is one’s for you!

Lyrics:

Thank you for being a friend

To Big Tech billionaires once again

When paid in full, you’re a pal and a confidant.

And if you block your party

From passing legislation through

You would see your biggest gift would come from me

And the strings attached would say,

Thank you for being a friend.

Day of Inaction

Calling All Monopoly Men and Women!*

Today in our nation’s Capital, a bright-eyed bunch of do-something do-gooders has emerged seeking to stop Big Tech bigshots at Google, Amazon, Facebook and Apple from engaging in the finer things in life: self-dealing, predatory pricing, competition crushing, data dipping and other types of harmless skullduggery.

It’s almost as if these bipartisan bumpkins have decided to put the concerns of average, everyday Americans ahead of the bottom lines of America's biggest tech behemoths! Their nefarious plan: To pass legislation to revise U.S. antitrust law and put an end to our anticompetitive conduct. What’s next? Making tech titans pay their fair share of taxes? Do these people in Congress know how much it costs to launch a billionaire wearing a cowboy hat into space, or maintain a helicopter pad on an auxiliary yacht?

Apparently not!

Alas, hope is not lost. Thanks to Big Tech’s hired mercenaries with made up names like “the Computer and Communications Industry Association,” “NetChoice,” “Connected Commerce Council,” and “the Chamber of Progress,” we monopolists can sit back and relax on our private beaches, cognacs in hand, confident that others will stop Congress from advancing legislation that would make America more competitive.

Heaven forbid we raise a finger to stop this legislation ourselves. After all, that’s what the help is for.

*(Nonbinary folks are known to be staunch anti-capitalists)